Though I believe that my writing is going well, there are still a few things that I could use feedback and help on. To start off, I’m not so sure about the strength of my topic sentence. I wrote, “On the outside, Miss Prism and Dr. Chasuble seem to be a match made in heaven but, upon closer inspection, their relationship is just as fake as the rest of the relationships in The Importance of Being Earnest.” What I wrote seems to me to be an obvious thing to say and a repetitive idea, considering it is the start of the third body paragraph. Also, I could use some advice on how to make some of my commentary a little stronger. The commentary that need work are “…making him not as great of a priest as brought up to be by Miss Prism” and “Dr. Chasuble, being a priest, finds it wrong that he is attracted to Miss Prism, so he imagines her in a higher place among society as a way to excuse himself from getting distracted from his duties.” Any ideas on what might strengthen these statements could help. I might just re-write them. The last thing I need to work on are some of my transitions. I am unsure of what to write to transition from my topic sentence to talking about what Chasuble thinks of Prism and from Prism wanting to be with chasuble for repentance to how Chasuble isn’t as great of a priest as Prism thinks. For that transition, I wrote “However, pursuing this idea further you will find that Dr. Chasuble is not as great of a priest as Miss Prism believes.” If any of these don’t need to be changed, just say so, if they do, any advice helps! Thanks for your help!
The thesis I think is not obvious and is written well and does not need a lot changed, but the word fake could be substituted for a different synonym. I thought of artificial but thats just an idea. For the commentaries the ideas are good but the wording in the 1st one mentioned could be changed because it is a little confusing. However, The second commentary is good. as for the transition I think the word however is not needed unless you are contradicting something you already said and the word great should be changed because I see that you have already used this in one of the commentaries. Possibly the word holy could be used? I hope this helped some!
ReplyDeleteOkay so for your commentary I think that they are good, but in the first one you just have a lot of words. They just make it hard to process because there are so many. If you could shorten it a bit and sort out your words you will be good! For the second commentary there is a little bit of plot summary/repetitive things. You say "Dr. Chasuble, being a priest..." but we already know that, so if you can find a way to work that in later in the sentance. You could do something like "Dr Chasuble finds it wrong that he is attracted to her because its against his priestly values so he imagines her in a higher place in society...." or something like that. Hope this helped!
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